LeFou:
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Gaston
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston
Even when taking your lumps
There's no man in town as admired as you
You're everyone's favorite guy
Everyone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why

No one's slick as Gaston
No one's quick as Gaston
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston's
For there's no man in town half as manly perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

LeFou and Chorus:
No one's been like Gaston
A king pin like Gaston

LeFou: No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston

Gaston:
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!

LeFou and Chorus:
My what a guy, that Gaston!
Give five "hurrahs!" Give twelve "hip-hips!"

LeFou:
Gaston is the best and the rest is all drips

Chorus:
No one fights like Gaston
Douses lights like Gaston

LeFou:
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Gaston!

Bimbettes:
For there's no one as burly and brawny

Gaston:
As you can see I've got biceps to spare

LeFou:
Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny

Gaston:
That's right!
And every last inch of me's covered with hair

Chorus:
No one hits like Gaston Matches wits like Gaston

LeFou:
In a spitting match nobody spits like Gaston

Gaston:
I'm especially good at expectorating! Ptoooie!

Chorus:
Ten points for Gaston!

Gaston:
When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs ev'ry morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge!

Chorus:
No one shoots like Gaston
Makes those beauts like Gaston

LeFou:
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston!

Gaston:
I use antlers in all of my decorating!

Chorus:
My what a guy, that Gaston!

Gaston:
LeFou I'm afraid I've been thinking

LeFou:
A dangerous pastime...

Gaston:
I know.
But that wacky old coot is Belle's father
And his sanity's only so-so.
Now the wheels in my head have been turning
Since I looked at that loony old man
See, I promised myself I'd be married to Belle
And right now I'm evolving a plan!

If I... (whispers)

LeFou:
Yes?

Gaston:
Then we... (whispers)

LeFou:
No, would she?

Gaston:
(whispers)
Guess!

LeFou:
Now I get it!

Both:
Let's go!
No one plots like Gaston

Gaston:
Takes cheap shots like Gaston

LeFou:
Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Gaston!

Gaston, LeFou, and Chorus:
So his marriage we soon will be celebrating
My what a guy
Gaston!